The tension between Hagar and Sarai was palpable. The animosity started once Hagar became aware of her pregnancy with Abraham’s child (Genesis 16:4). Abuse entered the scene, resulting in temporary estrangement. God intervened to mediate the conflict between Sarah and Hagar, and Hagar returned to the household. Hagar is expelled again, this time with her young son (Genesis 21:10). Estrangement in families often unfolds in this way: gradually through small fractures, yet it feels sudden to the one who is forced out. In contemporary families, estrangement often starts not with a single catastrophic event but with small offenses that erode the relationship over time.
There are numerous reasons why family estrangement occurs, but three primary reasons are unresolved conflicts, abuse, and value dissimilarity. The story of Jacob and Esau illustrates the first. When Jacob stole Esau’s blessing, it fractured the relationship (Genesis 27:5-29). Esau consoled himself by meditating on revenge. When their mother realized the magnitude of their unresolved conflict, she didn’t try to mediate. Instead, she created geographic distance between the brothers (Genesis 27:42-45). For years, Jacob assumed his brother’s hatred remained, when in fact Esau’s heart had softened over time. Their story reveals how estrangement can be prolonged not only by offense but also by assumption, miscommunication, and the irreversible loss of shared years.
Abuse, too, lies at the heart of many estrangements. The tragedy within David’s household exemplifies this. When David failed to address the abuse within his family dynamic, his son Absalom took matters into his own hands. Absalom killed his brother and fled. (2 Samuel 13:38) He was estranged from his father, David, for years. When Absalom finally returned, the relationship was so fractured and broken that it was beyond repair. Today, adult children estranged from a parent often report abuse as a leading cause of severing ties with parents.1
Value dissimilarity is another common dimension of estrangement: when beliefs, norms, or expectations diverge sharply between family members, tension can escalate to the point of rupture. Our current political environment has exacerbated this problem. A study of over 2,000 mother-child estrangements found that they almost always blamed value dissimilarity as the primary cause.2
The parable of the Prodigal Son demonstrates a stark difference in values between a father and son (Luke 15:11-20). The son’s desire for pleasure was more important to him than connection. However, there is hope in the parable. The prodigal’s return mirrors what research suggests, that most estrangements are temporary,3 allowing for eventual reconciliation.
The reasons for estrangement are multifaceted, and solutions are never one-dimensional. However, understanding the root of any conflict starts in the heart. James 4:1 provides a key verse for resolving conflicts. It says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” James succinctly explains the issue at the heart of any conflict – unmet desires. When those desires are persistently denied, the result can be resentment, rupture, and, eventually, withdrawal.
While the modern phrase “conflict resolution” is contemporary, Scripture and theology use rich vocabulary that frames reconciliation and peace in divine terms. The language of atonement, literally “at-one-ment,”4 describes the removal of barriers that fracture communion. In the Levitical system, atonement required sacrifice; in human relationships, it demands costly work, humility, and the willingness to repair what was broken. As Paul exhorts the Romans: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:18). His pastoral counsel underscores both the difficulty and the necessity of pursuing peace.
The Bible acknowledges estrangement as part of human brokenness, meaning the pain of estrangement is not foreign to God. When earthly family ties break, the Bible assures us that God Himself steps into the gap. The divine presence endures, and the church, as the family of God, is called to embody this reality: to be a place where the estranged find welcome, where reconciliation is pursued, and where brokenness is met with grace.
1. Linden, A. H., & Sillence, E. (2021). “I’m finally allowed to be me”: parent-child estrangement and psychological wellbeing. Families, Relationships and Societies, 10(2), 325-341. Retrieved Sep 19, 2025, from https://doi.org/10.1332/204674319X15647593365505
2. Gilligan M, Suitor JJ, Pillemer K. Estrangement Between Mothers and Adult Children: The Role of Norms and Values. J Marriage Fam. 2015 Aug;77(4):908-920. doi: 10.1111/jomf.12207.
3. Rin Reczek, Lawrence Stacey, Mieke Beth Thomeer. Parent adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 2022; DOI: 10.1111/jomf.12898
4. Brümmer, Vincent. Atonement and Reconciliation. Religious Studies. 1992;28(4):435-452. doi:10.1017/S0034412500021843
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